posty post post (or ramblings from inside my jumbled mind)

I started my Follistim injections on Saturday and I have to say that they don't hurt one f'ing bit -- why was I so afraid? It's really not that big of a deal to get a shot every day, and yet emotionally it's still a drain somehow. I just want a vacation from this whole thing sometimes, a day or a week or a month when I don't have to think about what day it is, what medicine I need to take, when my next appointment is, and if I'll ever get pregnant.

You know what the honest truth is?

I still can't believe this is happening to me.

When I was (mis)diagnosed with hypothalamic amenorrhea almost 10 years ago, my gyno said "oh, this just means you might need a little extra help getting pregnant." Being 23 and nowhere near ready for motherhood, I thought "ok, cool! I'll just head to the doctor when I want to have a baby and they'll make it happen!" It never fucking occurred to me how hard this would be and that it might not work anyway.

I guess today my glass is 1/2 empty, because up until now I had been feeling a shred of optimism due to the fact that we're adding in not one but TWO meds this cycle -- Follistim and Prometrium. So Miss Blind-Faith-In-Medicine inside me starts thinking "woohoo! this will work for sure!!" and that lasts for a few days and then Miss Pessimistic-Cranky-Bitch chimes in and says "yeeeahh, you thought that the last time. and the time before that. and the time before that" and pretty soon Miss Defeated-n-Depressed has taken up residence in my brain and she doesn't say much because it's just too much work to even muster up something to say, so I end up here in blogland, trying to blog out what's on my mind in the hopes that I can somehow get back to an optimistic place.

Next up...u/s Wednesday. Those follicles better be fat dammit.