Thursday, June 28, 2007

25 weeks (w/belly pics)

Whew, 25 weeks! I really can't believe how fast this whole thing is going. It really feels like only yesterday that I was crying about my 2nd cycle at the RE resulting in eggs that never fully developed, and now here I am. What a miracle.

In the past few days I've become aware of how overwhelmed I really am about the idea of having a baby. I feel like my focus for so long was getting pregnant, and then all I could focus on was staying pregnant, and all of a sudden now I'm realizing that if things keep going well (and I'm so aware of what a big if that is, but I can't think about that too much or I couldn't get out of bed in the morning) I will in fact have a baby -- and more than that, I will have a daughter for the rest of my life. It's just really hitting me that there will be this whole new person in my life and a whole new intense relationship...and today that feels overwhelming and scary. I don't know if I'm ready for a whole new person in my life. How will I manage to still have enough love and room in my heart and mind for G and my parents and my friends when this new little person will take up so much room? Everyone says that you will be able to find the love and room in your heart, and I know I have to believe that...but today I feel like I don't know how I'm going to do it.

We just got back from visiting G's family across the country, which was intense as always...I love them dearly but being with them all always exhausts me too. And while we were there, two big things happened:

1) I had some spotting.
It was very minor, but it scared the crap out of me. I called my doc's office and they told me to go to L&D triage to get it checked G and I jumped in the car and drove to the nearest major hospital, which was an hour away. And here I have to say how incredibly grateful I am that he didn't blink an eye when I said we'd have to go there instead of the local small-town hospital -- it just reminded me how much he loves me and the baby, and how he is going to be a great father.

So off we went to the hospital, and after holding it together in front of his family, I finally was able to cry my eyes out and really feel how afraid I was that something might finally be going wrong. And I say finally because as someone who's gone through IF, I don't know if I will ever fully lose that feeling that underneath it all I'm waiting for something to go wrong. I just let loose and cried and thought about how much I love my baby, and that she will always be my daughter no matter whether she makes it out of my body alive and healthy or not. And this was an amazing realization , because it made me see that I am a mom, right now. And that I can have a complete bond with my baby, right now. My mom lost her first daughter shortly after she was born, and only recently has she been able to really say that she has two children, and one is living. And on this car ride through the wilds of the western Pennsylvania night, I got a tiny bit closer to understanding how much she loved her first baby and how important that baby was to her. She's been telling me that I'm a mom since I first got pregnant, and I finally understand why she says that, and how true it is.

Everything is fine with me and my baby. My cervix must have gotten bumped somehow, most likely while I was playing around on a swing set with my niece. The doc checked everything and I was monitored for a few hours, and baby girl reassured us by bonking around in my belly the entire time we were there, which was so cool to hear on the monitor. And I've almost put the entire episode out of my mind...but writing about it now has made me even more grateful to still be pregnant today. And that is a good thing, because I don't ever want to forget how lucky I am.

2) I had a little surprise baby shower.
This was so much more fun and also overwhelming than I thought it would be. The strangest part was packing all the presents in my suitcase for the trip home...I just kept thinking "whose tiny clothes are these?" and finding it hard to believe that someone would be wearing them in just a few more months. And now the junk room/room where we keep G's stuff that I don't want out in the rest of the house/nursery is starting to fill up stuff. So it's yet another reminder that it's really happening...eek!

Lastly for anyone who's made it through this far, here are the latest belly pics taken at 24 weeks.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

23 weeks 2 days

Wow, looking at my ticker today brought home a little reality...I'm steadily creeping up on the 100 days to go milestone, which is just so insane. I feel like this whole pregnancy thing is flying by. I know everyone says it slows down a lot a the end, and I'm sure they're all right, but for now I feel like I can't believe how fast it's going.

Yesterday I went and ordered our crib, which I'm really excited about. It's so pretty and the wood is so nice and smooth...perfect for when baby girl wants to explore the world with her mouth! I've been spending time with a friend's 6 month old lately and am catching on that he thinks mouth first is the best way to discover something new (or say hello to something familiar). So my girl should be very happy with her crib according to those criteria. The drop side is really easy to use and very quiet, and the drawer underneath slides out smoothly. Yay!

I also test drove the stroller I had been thinking of getting, and I really liked it. I felt like an idiot trying to fold it up, but after a bunch of practice runs I think I have it's stuff like this that makes me worry that I have no idea how to do the mommy thing, but then I realize that I'm not worried about meeting her most important needs, like food and cuddles and lots of love. So what if I don't perfectly and smoothly fold the stroller the first time, she won't know the difference.

She's still moving a lot, now I feel lots of wiggles and swimming around in addition to the bigger kicks. And I've started to see my tummy move sometimes, which is so nuts.

My belly seems to be getting bigger by the minute and I go back and forth between loving how round it is and feeling like a huge cow. The huge cow feeling is so hard, I just don't feel that cute a lot of the time...everyone says I'm "all belly" but I can tell that my thighs are a little bigger and my arms are softer/rounder than they used to be. I keep telling myself that it will come off after she's born, but I'm already scared of how much work it might be to get the weight off and tone up everything. I hardly ever talk about this stuff because I feel like I should just be so happy all the time about being pregnant, but the truth of the matter is that some days I just feel fat and huge and even my happiness about the baby doesn't make it go away.

I guess what it comes down to though, is that I am learning how to sacrifice my wants and desires for my child...she has to come first, not my desire to be thin or to bend as far forward as I know I can in yoga class (I have to make room for my belly now and not squash her). So I guess I feel like this is probably a good introduction to at least part of what motherhood is about -- it's already not just about me anymore.

More belly pics to come, when I'm feeling a little more cute again. Hopefully we'll take some tomorrow.