Thursday, March 29, 2007

Bad, bad blogger.

Wow, it's been over a month since I've posted anything...I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've just not wanted to post anything at all. I don't know if I was worried I would jinx it (side note: I have never been so concerned about "jinx" until I got pregnant, it's like I'm living in the superstitious dark ages) or what. I think some of it is still what is basically survivor's guilt -- I feel so afraid that it's not ok to blog about my pregnancy when so many IF sisters are still struggling.

But I've been thinking about it lately and realized that it's also not fair to just abandon my blog, because I started it for a very good reason, which is that I was up to my eyeballs in frustration over my own infertility and lo and behold there was a whole community of people out there who could really understand what I was going through, and who could show me the way to survive it all. So who am I to abandon that community just because I got pregnant...that's what we're all trying to do, right? And when we do get pregnant after IF, it's a whole different ballgame than for women who have never struggled to get pregnant in the first place...so perhaps it really is important to blog about it, so that we all can continue to learn from each other about how to deal with the very strange hand of cards we've all been dealt.

So, I'm back. We'll have to see what happens, but I hope I can post more frequently again...I miss everyone, and I need to catch up on how y'all are doing.

My quick update is that I'm still pregnant, and often still scared that it won't stick...but today marks 12 weeks, so things are looking up. I've seen the baby twice now and got to hear it's heartbeat for the first time this week, which was crazy. It's just unbelieveable that there is this separate being living inside me. I don't know if I'll ever get used to it.

I've had some spotting incidents a couple of times, most recently a tiny bit yesterday. And my heart absolutely stops every time. But I keep breathing and keep trusting that I will be ok, no matter what. After the first spotting day at about 8 weeks I came to the realization that even if the worst were to happen, I would survive. It would be probably the hardest thing I would ever go through, but I would survive, because lots of people have. So whenever I get really scared, I remind myself that. And I also remind myself that this is just the beginning of parenthood and all of the fears we will have about the fact that we can't control what happens to our children, all we can do is love them and try to provide the best loving nest for them as possible. So, I'm doing that...

Next week we do the NT test, so I'll post some pictures then.

And pretty soon I may even post a belly pic because believe it or not, I'm already growing a belly. It still looks small in pictures but it feels huge to me!

It's good to be back, blogosphere...sorry for being absent for so long.