Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Relief!

The ultrasound went great today -- there's a cute little bean in there, heart beating away! Heartrate was 125 bpm which the doc said was good, and it's measuring 6w 5d, so right on track. I think my legs were trembling the whole time, and I couldn't stop smiling as we left.

It was so exciting and cool to see it...and I just can't even believe there is a real little creature living inside me, with her/his very own heartbeat and everything. I'm completely amazed that this is where humans come from.

It feels so good to have made it this far, and the whole thing is definitely starting to feel more real. Everyone says pregnancy goes by fast but right now I feel like it will be an eternity until I make it to the 2nd trimester...although my MIL reminded me that I'm already 1/2 way there!

My RE was really sweet, he told me that I had graduated from the clinic and could go to my OB, but that I should email him and tell him how things are going. I feel so lucky to have found such a great clinic with such kind people.

So while I still have the fear blanket close by in case I need it, today I don't have it wrapped around me...and hopefully I won't have to clutch onto it again any time soon. Thanks as always for everyone's words of comfort, you really helped me to start to let go of the fear enough to start to be excited and happy about what's happening, which is a real gift.

Awwww, I think I'm getting all hormonal and emotional...

Monday, February 12, 2007

Fear.

Much as I want to be excited and happy about this pregnancy, I'm afraid all the time that something is going to go wrong, and I'm going to lose the baby.

And I know that this is "normal" for almost all women in early pregnancy.

But there is nothing like getting pregnant after infertility...I just keep feeling like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like it just can't be possible that something could go right when I had gotten so used to things going wrong. But the reality of it is that it really didn't take that long...which just feels like one more reason it won't work out: because I haven't paid my dues long enough on the old infertility merry-go-round.

And I know that there's no such thing as the kind of cosmic accounting that I think must be taking place, that in reality, difficult (and good) things happen to good people for no rhyme or reason, all the time. Yet I can't seem to shake the feeling that someone or something is going to "notice" that I got pregnant too easily, and take it away.

I feel sad that I've been robbed of the innocence that so many people have when they get pregnant. I feel sad that I'm afraid that anytime I log on to a pregnancy discussion board or post about it here, it's going to somehow jinx it. I feel sad that I can't seem to be happy that right now, as far as I know, everything is just fine.

I posted about this on a pregnancy forum that I frequent, and got some amazing advice from someone who has been down the infertility road and is currently pregnant.

She said that witholding my excitement and joy of being pregnant would not make it hurt any less if I did end up miscarrying. So after that long period of disappointments, I should enjoy the pregnancy while I have it. And even though it's scary, you really have nothing to lose by letting go and being excited for what you have right now.

So I'm going to do my very best to try to let go of this fear blanket I seem to have wrapped myself in. I can't protect myself from being hurt if something happens, but I can trust that if it does, I will be able to get through it.

And maybe, just maybe, everything will turn out ok.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Feeling better, looking...huge

The good news is that I'm feeling much better now that I'm on both Colace and Gas-X, both ok'd by my doc. No more constant pain, and I'm sleeping better.

The bad news is that the bloat is INSANE and doesn't seem to be going anywhere. My tummy is enormous, puffed out as far as it can go, and there's no doubt about it -- I look like I'm pregnant. Even G admits it, and he is usually terrified to tell me anything other than "you look skinny!"

It just feels hard because I am so. not. ready. to share this pregnancy thing with the world, because it's so early and I'm so not out of the woods yet...and yet my body isn't cooperating. Yet another lesson in how little control I have over this whole process, from the infertility part to this.

On the other hand, people gave up their seats on the subway for me twice this week, and I really am tired -- and if I wasn't looking like I swallowed a watermelon whole I'm sure they wouldn't have done that.

Crazy, this whole thing is crazy.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Nothing like what I envisioned

I don't know where to go with these feelings and thoughts so I guess I just need to blog it out. First of all, let me just say that I am so happy and excited to be pregnant.

And now I have to say that it's been really miserable so far. I have been in so much pain from gas, constipation, and bloating that at times I can barely walk. I'm hardly sleeping. And I don't know what to eat because everything seems to make it worse. I'm not eating very much. And I'm so afraid that somehow I can't do this pregnancy thing. I'm so afraid that if I don't eat right something is going to go wrong, and yet I'm in so much pain when I eat that I dread eating.

The one piece of good news is that I've scoured the internet and found that there are other people out there who have had it this bad with the digestive problems, so at least I know that it's relatively "normal". And my doc doesn't seem too concerned, which I guess is a good thing.

After being up all night last night I decided to stay home from work today to try to get some rest. I'm trying to figure out what food seems to make the digestive problems worse and what might make them a little better. I'm hoping I can go back to work tomorow though because at only 4 1/2 weeks it feels a little early to be missing work.

I just never thought it would be like this. I wanted to be pregnant so badly and now I feel like my body can't do it right. I'm scared that all of this means that something is terribly wrong with the baby, or with me -- what if I just can't do pregnancy??

And I feel so terrible feeling this way, like I should just be so grateful that I got pregnant in the first place and that I have no right to be so upset about how hard it is. But I have to get this out somewhere, because it's making me crazy.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Beta #2

Just got the call and we're now at 262. So it's more than double! I am so relieved. The past few days have been so intense and anxiety-ridden...I am just hoping that I can find a way to relax more between now and my 6.5 week ultrasound which is scheduled for 2/21.

I just can't believe this is happening. About 100 times a day I'll be cruising along at work or whatever and suddenly just think, "I'm pregnant". And then I totally lose track of what everyone is talking about. Needless to say I've been very productive this week.

What else can I say? I've been obsessing about my symptoms seeming to come and go, but I've read and re-read 1,000 times that this is totally normal. I haven't thrown up yet, although I'm nauseous, especially in the morning. And wierdly, in the middle of the night. I've been a little dizzy. I've been a little crampy. Everything smells strong. I'm tired, although unfortunately I seem to be wide awake for a few hours every night. I'm constipated and gassy -- joy! But most of all, I'm alternately excited and terrified...and I'm trying -- trying -- to get used to the idea of all of this.