Sunday, August 26, 2007

Latest belly pics 33 weeks 2 days

Hard to believe it will get any bigger, but my pregnancy book says the next four weeks are a time of incredible growth for baby girl...eeep!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Not much to say...

I've been having trouble blogging lately, I feel like there just isn't much to say. A pregnant writer friend of mine is blogging for one of the big parenting websites and she told me she did a whole post on how boring she feels she's become...I totally feel the same way! My wit and insight appear to have at least temporarily left the building (if I ever had them to begin with) and in their stead is an obsession with all things baby, from the concern over BPA in bottles to what kind of playlists I should make for the hospital (as if I will even care about music at that point, but if I don't bring it I might want it!) Even I'm sick of hearing me talk about this stuff.

So -- anyway, long way of saying "hello blogosphere, I'm back for more blah blah!"

Had my last monthly doctor's appointment today and it went as boringly well as always, which is actually a huge relief but doesn't make for exciting posts. Oh well, at this point I will take boring over exciting since it means things are going along just fine. The doc pronounced baby girl's heartbeat to be "perfect" and told me that her almost daily hiccups are actually a good sign developmentally. I felt like a very proud mama! She (the doc, not the baby) also asked me how the childbirth classes were going and strongly suggested that we take the Infant Care and Breastfeeding class. I figured we'd do that after the baby is born since there's a free class daily at the hospital, but she reminded me that I'd likely be exhausted and emotional then so it's better to do it now. So I will be looking into that and signing us up asap, and G can practice changing diapers which is good since that is his biggest fear right now. What is up with guys and the diaper thing? Poopy diapers are the least of my's just poop, it washes off!

I've now scheduled all of my remaining prenatal doc visits, at least through week 40 and hopefully I won't go any longer than that. My doc's office seems to be much more relaxed about visits than most, as I don't do the weekly visits until week 38. So I have one at 36 weeks, then 38 weeks, then 39 and 40. She assured me that I will be sick of them by then, but I like going to the doc since it feels like I'm doing something other than just waiting for this baby to decide to come out!

Other things I can tick off my list:

- Chose and bought baby bedding (the thing that almost put me over the edge a few weeks ago)
- Purchased infant car seat (although we're waiting to install for another few weeks)
- Purchased breast pump, which should arrive in the mail in the next day or so
- Purchased a probably ridiculous number of 0-3 size baby clothes. I may have too many, but she'll look darn cute!
- Took three of four childbirth prep classes; the last class is next Monday. Our last class included a tour of labor & delivery, which was a bit underwhelming. The rooms were small and not that nice...incentive to get outta there and home with the baby quickly I guess. The main thing is that everyone I know who has delivered there was really happy with their experiences, especially the L&D nurses. So that's good.

Next up on my to-do list includes a trip to buy all of the boring things like a diaper pail and crib mattress pad, and a trip to get nursing bras, which I'm strangely excited about. I don't know why, since they're not exactly lacy lingerie, but I guess I'm looking forward to breastfeeding since I think it's just amazing that I will be feeding the baby with my own body. Honestly, I've never felt such an awareness of being an animal-like physical being as I do now. It's been strangely grounding since I've pretty much spent my life being focused on the quality of my large brain and obsessed with wanting to have a "perfect-looking" body. I've never given much thought to the wonder of what my body can DO. So it's a good feeling. And one that I hope I can remember if/when the going is tough with breastfeeding, as I know it is for many.

My mom and I both have a feeling that the baby will come before the due date, but I think that's just wishful thinking! So, we'll see. More belly pics to come next week, I'm planning to take some this weekend. I suddenly realized that there's not much time left for belly pics, which just seems insane -- it feels like only yesterday I was in the RE's office having a hot date with a syringe.

So I guess I did have a lot to say, it's a bit of a blah of what's running through my mind as I get into the home stretch. Mostly I'm starting to get excited to meet the baby...!

Monday, August 6, 2007

baby shower

I had my baby shower this past weekend, which was fun and exhausting and exciting and overwhelming all at once.

Fun -- seeing all of my friends, seeing my mom meet my friends' babies for the first time, eating yummy food (especially chocolate cupcakes!), getting amazing and cute and even useful presents.

Exhausting -- standing around wearing heels (I know, why on earth did a pregnant woman decide to wear heels? Let's just say I'm about as tall as a mailbox without them, and the added girth of pregnancy means I'm even more troll-like now), worrying about how it would go beforehand, having to be the center of attention while opening presents.

Exciting -- seeing two of my friends' babies meet each other: the girl hitting the boy in the face and the boy immediately swooping in for a hug & kiss (he's learning early how to deal with female mood swings!), imagining my baby wearing all the clothes and playing with the toys and books.

Overwhelming -- the generosity of my friends, the sadness of my best friend who isn't in a relationship and isn't having babies yet while so many of her friends are, my mom's excitement about my pregnancy, the sheer realization that this is really happening, the underlying fear that something still could go wrong and perhaps I've jinxed it by having a baby shower.


I'm getting a little more used to all of the baby stuff now that it's been in my house for two days, and starting to feel less worried about things like how many newborn pajamas I need (I'm going to start with three and see how that goes) or what color rug to get (still undecided as my bedding choice has changed yet again).

And honestly, as a chronic obsessive, the only way I can deal with the range of emotions I feel about being this far along in pregnancy (joy, fear, self-doubt, fear again, excitement) is to get completely stuck on minute details about crib bedding and clothing and baby bath towels and mobiles. Somehow I feel like if I just get all of the right stuff, everything will turn out ok. Which can backfire into obsessive worrying about how right the stuff is, and whether there is better stuff out there somewhere...I guess you could call me a commitment-phobic obsessive compulsive shopper. Woohoo, something for my daughter to discuss with her therapist in 25 years!

Anyway, for all of the frivolous attention I'm giving to material things, I'm also quite aware that this is all really about my anxiety over being a mother. I have no idea what I'm doing and whether it will all work out. I don't even know yet if my baby will make it out of my body alive and healthy. My mom's first baby didn't, and I think that no matter how much I deny it, in the back of my mind I have a huge dark hairy fear that my baby will not survive labor and delivery. Which is so horrifying to even consider that the only realistic option seems to be obsessing about crib bedding and the number of pajamas I need. Because I can control that part. I can't control what happens to my child. Not in the womb, not during labor and delivery, and not for the rest of her life after that. Which scares the living crap out of me. Sometimes I think it would be easier if she would just stay in my belly forever, so that I always know where she is and that she's safe.

However, given the discomfort level I'm experiencing today (sometimes I think it's got to be some sort of large wildebeest in there with all that moving and pushing and banging around) I think that Nature has in her infinite wisdom provided a way for me to be ready to do the whole labor and delivery thing, no matter how afraid I am that things won't work out. And that is at least reassuring -- whether I'm ready or not, this baby will make it out of me one way or another in the next 9-11 weeks.