Holy Crap

I'm pregnant.

I called the doc this AM about all of the stomach pains I've been having (like bad gas) and told her about the + test I took on Sunday at 10dpiui. They told me to go in for a beta.

Levels came back at 92...!

I just can't believe this. I don't even know what to think or do or feel. I'm thrilled and terrified all rolled into one...whoa. "What if something goes wrong?" keeps running through my mind, along with "holy fucking shit, I'm really pregnant". All at once. Over and over.

Thanks so much to everyone who has been cheering me on, your comments have been exactly what I needed. And for those of you who have been in the 2ww with me and don't have results yet, I am REALLY hoping that this is it for you.

Next huge hurdle to get over: 2nd beta on Friday. I really hope those levels are doubling...ack!

Stupid stupid stupid

So this morning, I did the unthinkable. I took an HPT. At 10dpiui. And there was a faint line. And my heart started beating faster. And I ran in our room and woke up G. And he reminded me that it could possibly be the effects of the HCG trigger shot.

I

am

so

dumb.

How could I have forgotten about the trigger shot?!?!

Please let this level of forgetfulness be some sort of early pregnancy sign....

Sigh.

Well, I've now given G all of my pregnancy tests to hide. And he's made me promise I won't test again until 16dpiui like the doctor told me too. And if any of you out there are considering testing as early as I did, don't do it. It's most definitely not worth it.

Aha!

Turns out I wasn't a posting dummy at all -- I was just another victim of incompatible technology...which is ironic considering I work (sort of) in the technology field. Meaning it's sort of technology-related, not that I sort of work. Although I do sort of work sometimes, like when I'm blogging or reading blogs or on infertility message boards. Not that I ever do that sort of thing (ok, this "sort of" thing is getting silly) when I'm at work! No ma'am, I'm all about productivity! (In case my boss is reading this. Which he isn't. Because he isn't struggling with infertility.)

Aaaanyway, apparently Blogger supports two browsers: IE and Firefox. And I'm on a Mac. And I was using Safari. So I've downloaded Firefox and just as Heather pointed out, there's a handy little "create link" button right above the posting window!

And the reason I wanted to learn how to post links is to send you all over to my friend Carol's blog to congratulate her on getting through the transfer stage of her first donor egg cycle with two beautiful blastocysts that are now on board and a whole bunch of 'em in the freezer! Stop by to wish her good luck in the 2ww...

As for me, I'm starting to freak out and obsess and I hate it. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept waking up every time I rolled on to my stomach and SORE boobs. And I know they are sore because of the progesterone I'm taking. And yet. And yet in the middle of the night I had myself convinced that they couldn't possibly be that sore from just the progesterone pills, right? I mean, I must be pregnant, right?

ARRGH.

Oh, also I might be a tiny bit upset because another friend of mine just gave birth yesterday. I am truly happy for her. And I am also truly sad that it's not me getting to meet my brand new baby this week. But the one good thing is that even though I'm sad, and frustrated, and angry, and disappointed, I am also determined. I am determined to be a mom, one way or another. I don't have to be afraid that I'll never get there. I just have to be willing to accept that the road may be long, and twisty, and bumpy, and dark sometimes. And you know, some days I can do that with joy in my heart and a smile on my face and other days I just have to force myself to get through the day without breaking down crying in the middle of work. Today is one of those days.

Questions... plus a little love for my peeps

I must be a blogger dummy, because I can't figure out how to put a link in a post. Like if I wanted to point all of you to some cool thing I found somewhere else on the world wide web. Can someone explain it to me?

Also, can someone explain to my brain that every little feeling I have in my stomach does not necessarily signify potential implantation? I keep trying but my brain doesn't like to listen to me, especially since today is 6dpiui so technically if there was something in there, it could technically be implanting. Which I technically probably couldn't feel anyway, but my brain especially doesn't like to listen to technicalities that point away from what it wants to happen. Maybe it will listen to you guys.

And finally, I want to thank everyone who has started reading and commenting on my fledgling little blog. It makes me feel so welcome in the cozy little infertility blogosphere. You make me think and you make me laugh, two things I really like doing. I only hope that I can do the same for all of you.

Blog it out

Just back from the RE's office and my hot date with the syringe.

G's sperm numbers/count/motility/etc were rockin' as always...I have a nice fat egg...so why do I feel so hopeless & melancholy? Aargh!

And it's so strange how the IUI procedure itself is so fast. Today I was laying on the table with my knees up for 10 minutes afterwards (because we all know THAT is the magic trick that will get me pg) I was feeling sort of...used. Like when you're young and meet some hot dude and are all excited about having sex with him and then you DO have sex with him and then it's over and you're just lying there in some stranger's bed feeling like a big fat piece of nothing, wondering what to do next.

Not that I am speaking from experience or anything.

But for some reason, this is how I feel after my IUIs. Like I was putting all my eggs in this one basket (ba dum bum) and then it's just over and there's nothing else to do but wait and see if the dude calls or in this case, if a stupid peestick test tells me good news.

The OTHER thing I was thinking about on my cab ride back to my office (because I reeealllly feel like being at work right now) is that all of the people in the waiting room at my RE's office studiously avoid making eye contact with each other. Is that how it is for all you fellow fertility-challenged people out there? Because really, it would maybe be cool if it was more like the blogosphere where we're all virtually smiling at each other and hugging one another and just offering as much support as we can. Instead, it feels like everyone in that waiting room is trying to pretend we're not really there, or trying to avoid being seen, or trying to keep from looking at anyone else in an effort to protect each other from the knowledge that we ALL KNOW why we are there. WE ALL KNOW that everyone in that room is dealing with this infertility beast and man, it seems like it would make it easier if we at least smiled at one another in solidarity.

I guess I need to start with me though, you can't change the world by trying to change everyone else. So from now on, I'm going to do my best to make eye contact and smile at people in that waiting room.

If you go to the same RE as me, you'll know who I am -- the petite dark-haired woman who is staring at you and smiling like a maniac. Feel free to run screaming.

Here we go...

Well after digging around for what seemed like an eternity, the fresh young med student (under the watchful eye of an actual doc) found a big ol' honkin' follicle on my left ovary. 20mm -- far bigger than I've ever produced, and on CD12 no less! Follistim is the bomb y'all.

Now for the whiny part...I was really hoping to get at least two follies to increase the chances of success this cycle. I know, annoying of me to complain when I should be thrilled just to have one ripe follie considering last cycle I didn't even get that. But...I want as many follicles as possible without getting into an OHSS situation! I want something, anything, to increase the chances! I just want this stupid infertility crap to be over! Waah! Ok, end whine.

So after announcing that Freddy Follie was 20mm, the doc told me to take my HCG shot immediately. Which was conveniently sitting in my fridge at home. 30 minutes away via freeway. And did I mention I had a meeting at work starting in 20 minutes? Soooo needless to say I skipped the meeting and we got back in the car and drove home, shoved the shot in, and jumped back in the car and drove back to the city. Guess next time I'll take it seriously when they say to bring the trigger shot to the u/s appointments.

IUI tomorrow afternoon...you know and I know that I am already thinking about how I'm going to announce that I'm pregnant, so I can't pretend that I'm not hopeful that this will work. But when it doesn't work, indulge me when I say that I hadn't gotten my hopes up, ok? Really, it's the least you can do.

posty post post (or ramblings from inside my jumbled mind)

I started my Follistim injections on Saturday and I have to say that they don't hurt one f'ing bit -- why was I so afraid? It's really not that big of a deal to get a shot every day, and yet emotionally it's still a drain somehow. I just want a vacation from this whole thing sometimes, a day or a week or a month when I don't have to think about what day it is, what medicine I need to take, when my next appointment is, and if I'll ever get pregnant.

You know what the honest truth is?

I still can't believe this is happening to me.

When I was (mis)diagnosed with hypothalamic amenorrhea almost 10 years ago, my gyno said "oh, this just means you might need a little extra help getting pregnant." Being 23 and nowhere near ready for motherhood, I thought "ok, cool! I'll just head to the doctor when I want to have a baby and they'll make it happen!" It never fucking occurred to me how hard this would be and that it might not work anyway.

I guess today my glass is 1/2 empty, because up until now I had been feeling a shred of optimism due to the fact that we're adding in not one but TWO meds this cycle -- Follistim and Prometrium. So Miss Blind-Faith-In-Medicine inside me starts thinking "woohoo! this will work for sure!!" and that lasts for a few days and then Miss Pessimistic-Cranky-Bitch chimes in and says "yeeeahh, you thought that the last time. and the time before that. and the time before that" and pretty soon Miss Defeated-n-Depressed has taken up residence in my brain and she doesn't say much because it's just too much work to even muster up something to say, so I end up here in blogland, trying to blog out what's on my mind in the hopes that I can somehow get back to an optimistic place.

Next up...u/s Wednesday. Those follicles better be fat dammit.

I just can't help myself

I just knitted up my first hat and I have to show it off:



It's a little hard to tell from the picture but it's made of the most yummy soft yarn ever, that changes in shade from light orange at the brim to darker red/orange at the top. It was pretty easy to make so I shouldn't be THAT proud of myself, but it's so damn cute, especially with the huge fluffball on top! It's for a friend's soon-to-be-born baby...I'm thinking if the fertility gods & goddesses are kind, they'll decide that I'm so generous and kind that I deserve to get pregnant.

You never know, right?

On a related note, if anyone is looking for something to occupy her time (i.e. keep you off the internet for a while) I strongly suggest knitting. Very cathartic -- and at the end, you have cute stuff to give away or better yet, keep for yourself. And all of my TTC/"fertility challenged" (thanks Carol, I like that way of thinking of it!) friends will be receiving a celebratory baby hat when they get preggo, I guarantee it. Who knows, maybe even one day I'll get to make a hat for my very own baby.

On an unrelated (but yet even more relevant) note, yesterday I watched a show on Discovery Health channel about couples undergoing IVF and I cried my eyes out when it didn't work out for some of them, and cried even harder when it did work for others. I was happy to find the show amidst the huge number of shows about happy people having happy babies, but don't watch it unless you have plenty of kleenex.

Musings on SHAME

So I've been thinking, why is being infertile some kind of shameful secret for so many of us?

Is it because it has to do with sex and American culture is totally hung up about sex?

Is it because no matter how progressive or liberal we are, deep down we believe that a woman's true purpose is to have babies?

Is it because we believe that a woman should be and do whatever she wants, and we just can't quite believe that we can't MAKE this thing happen?

Is it because somewhere underneath it all we wonder if this is our fault?

I have no idea what the answer is but I'm sick of it. The fact that I'm infertile isn't something that's my fault. I have nothing to be ashamed of. And yet I was thinking about how I know so many people who are infertile from my roamings around the internet, but in real life, it's still something that is spoken about in the hushest of hush hush terms. Why don't we just stand up and say "YES, I'm infertile and luckily, there are things I can do about it so that I WILL be able to be a mother, it's just not as easy for me as it is for some other people"?

So I had this idea of a putting together list of names of all of the women I know who are infertile. Sort of a "we're here, we're real people, and we're doing this together". It's not something that we (I) have to be ashamed of and yet somehow, we (I) still feel like it is...and it helps me to be reminded that there are so many others out there who are going through this, that I'm not alone, that there is nothing shameful in this predicament I find myself in.

It's my own private list for now, but it gives me hope that someday infertility won't be something that we all feel like has to be a shameful secret.

WTF??

Yeah, my period arrived today...when I supposedly have 3 more days of Provera to go.

WTF??

Honestly, I think my body is so confused it doesn't know which end is up. This drug, that drug...not to mention four days of utter gluttony in New Orleans over New Years. Hey, maybe the excess of calories and fat kickstarted some kind of hormone overdrive!

Anyway, the doc says no big deal, and away we go with a baseline u/s tomorrow. Don't you love going to the doctor on the weekend?

I'm getting the Follistim pen this cycle and have to admit I'm a bit anxious about the daily shots. I know all you long time Infertility ladies out there are probably laughing at the newbie...but shoving a needle into myself voluntarily every day just doesn't sound fun. Well at least we know I'll never be a junkie.

Happy New Year

Well, I'm back on the horse. The Provera horse that is...and it's as fun as ever. PMS on steroids. Blah!

However, the good news is that I talked to my doc today and he seems optimistic about my new protocol, which will be....(drum roll please)...

Clomid CD3-7
FSH injections starting the next day, for 8-10 days
HCG trigger shot
IUI
Prometrium 3x day for 14 days

So I'm pretty much fully medicated at this point. Guess I knew it would get to this point, but it's a bit strange. I'm excited that he seems to think this has a good shot of working, and also totally f'ing scared that it's not going to work (again) and if I'm doing all this damn medical crap I want it to WORK.

But I guess that's just how it is on the infertility train. Woo woo! All aboooaaard! Next stop, bloating, crankiness and acne!