I just can't help myself

I just knitted up my first hat and I have to show it off:



It's a little hard to tell from the picture but it's made of the most yummy soft yarn ever, that changes in shade from light orange at the brim to darker red/orange at the top. It was pretty easy to make so I shouldn't be THAT proud of myself, but it's so damn cute, especially with the huge fluffball on top! It's for a friend's soon-to-be-born baby...I'm thinking if the fertility gods & goddesses are kind, they'll decide that I'm so generous and kind that I deserve to get pregnant.

You never know, right?

On a related note, if anyone is looking for something to occupy her time (i.e. keep you off the internet for a while) I strongly suggest knitting. Very cathartic -- and at the end, you have cute stuff to give away or better yet, keep for yourself. And all of my TTC/"fertility challenged" (thanks Carol, I like that way of thinking of it!) friends will be receiving a celebratory baby hat when they get preggo, I guarantee it. Who knows, maybe even one day I'll get to make a hat for my very own baby.

On an unrelated (but yet even more relevant) note, yesterday I watched a show on Discovery Health channel about couples undergoing IVF and I cried my eyes out when it didn't work out for some of them, and cried even harder when it did work for others. I was happy to find the show amidst the huge number of shows about happy people having happy babies, but don't watch it unless you have plenty of kleenex.

Musings on SHAME

So I've been thinking, why is being infertile some kind of shameful secret for so many of us?

Is it because it has to do with sex and American culture is totally hung up about sex?

Is it because no matter how progressive or liberal we are, deep down we believe that a woman's true purpose is to have babies?

Is it because we believe that a woman should be and do whatever she wants, and we just can't quite believe that we can't MAKE this thing happen?

Is it because somewhere underneath it all we wonder if this is our fault?

I have no idea what the answer is but I'm sick of it. The fact that I'm infertile isn't something that's my fault. I have nothing to be ashamed of. And yet I was thinking about how I know so many people who are infertile from my roamings around the internet, but in real life, it's still something that is spoken about in the hushest of hush hush terms. Why don't we just stand up and say "YES, I'm infertile and luckily, there are things I can do about it so that I WILL be able to be a mother, it's just not as easy for me as it is for some other people"?

So I had this idea of a putting together list of names of all of the women I know who are infertile. Sort of a "we're here, we're real people, and we're doing this together". It's not something that we (I) have to be ashamed of and yet somehow, we (I) still feel like it is...and it helps me to be reminded that there are so many others out there who are going through this, that I'm not alone, that there is nothing shameful in this predicament I find myself in.

It's my own private list for now, but it gives me hope that someday infertility won't be something that we all feel like has to be a shameful secret.

WTF??

Yeah, my period arrived today...when I supposedly have 3 more days of Provera to go.

WTF??

Honestly, I think my body is so confused it doesn't know which end is up. This drug, that drug...not to mention four days of utter gluttony in New Orleans over New Years. Hey, maybe the excess of calories and fat kickstarted some kind of hormone overdrive!

Anyway, the doc says no big deal, and away we go with a baseline u/s tomorrow. Don't you love going to the doctor on the weekend?

I'm getting the Follistim pen this cycle and have to admit I'm a bit anxious about the daily shots. I know all you long time Infertility ladies out there are probably laughing at the newbie...but shoving a needle into myself voluntarily every day just doesn't sound fun. Well at least we know I'll never be a junkie.

Happy New Year

Well, I'm back on the horse. The Provera horse that is...and it's as fun as ever. PMS on steroids. Blah!

However, the good news is that I talked to my doc today and he seems optimistic about my new protocol, which will be....(drum roll please)...

Clomid CD3-7
FSH injections starting the next day, for 8-10 days
HCG trigger shot
IUI
Prometrium 3x day for 14 days

So I'm pretty much fully medicated at this point. Guess I knew it would get to this point, but it's a bit strange. I'm excited that he seems to think this has a good shot of working, and also totally f'ing scared that it's not going to work (again) and if I'm doing all this damn medical crap I want it to WORK.

But I guess that's just how it is on the infertility train. Woo woo! All aboooaaard! Next stop, bloating, crankiness and acne!

Things I didn't know

1. That follicles can start developing -- you can even get multiple follicles when previously you only had one -- and then stop developing and die.

2. That you can find out really really bad news on Christmas Eve and yes, it does ruin Christmas just a little bit.

3. That a marathon session of Guitar Hero II will temporarily relieve the pain and frustration of having to sit out the rest of a cycle with no hope of pregnancy.

4. That once you get back on the infertility boards & blogs, you'll remember the pain and frustration again.

5. That infertility is even harder to deal with than you think before it happens to you.

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.




(and for anyone who's interested in the medical crap (you know you are) I'm now waiting to start 10 days of Provera so I can get my stupid period and start the next cycle. Don't know what the protocol will be yet, probably either a full injectable cycle or Clomid + injectables. Whee!)

Chronically late

One thing to know about me is that I am always running late. I just don't seem to have an accurate concept of time. I like to think that's because I'm so busy thinking about important things and solving world problems, but in reality it's because I get distracted easily. Like right now, I'm supposed to be wrapping Christmas presents and instead I'm roaming around on the Internet, reading infertility blogs.

So being that I'm always late, it's not surprising that my eggs seem to take longer than most people's to grow.

*sigh*

Had my CD12 u/s yesterday and unsurprisingly it's going to be a while before I ovulate. I have three growing follicles though (two 9mm and one 11mm), which is two more than I've had in the past, so I'm hoping at least a couple of those suckers pop out for their play date with G's swimmers. Knowing that each cycle there's a 25% chance of pgcy I was hoping that if two or three popped it would increase my chances to 50-75% but G kindly explained to the math dunce that I am that it doesn't work that way. Dammit, even MATH is against me!

In other (related) news, it looks like there's a strong possibility we'll be back to the horizontal hokey-pokey instead of IUI this cycle since the lab is going to be closed on the days that I'm probably going to ovulate. I of course think that means we have no chance in hell of conceiving this cycle but the doc says that's not the case. Guess we'll find out...

Here we go again...

After the failed IUI attempt last cycle I've done everything I can to forget about this whole baby thing...easier said than done of course but at least there's all this holiday crap going on to take my mind off it.

It sounds so stupid and I'm sure a year from now I'll look back and laugh/cry, but I really thought I'd get knocked up on my 1st IUI. I mean, medical intervention = sure thing, right? Ummm, wrong.

But, I'm back on the horse. Took my Clomid, ordered my Ovidrel, and am having wine & sushi with reckless abandon while I wait to find out when I have a hot date with the man & his syringe.

Nothin' to do now but wait...