Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Some thoughts on the day before the BIG u/s **updated w/belly pics**

Two posts in less than a week -- guess I'm back in the blogosphere!

So tomorrow is the big day where we get to see if our baby has all the correct parts in the correct places...please please please let everything be ok. I know that statistically the chances are that everything will be just fine, but I am always a bit of a nervous wreck before my doctor's appointments since I'm always afraid that the baby has disappeared and this appointment is even bigger than usual. So try as I might to cover it up, I'm scared.

And then there is the crazy little fact that we will be finding out if it is a boy or a girl, which I have so many emotions about.

First of all, I have always wanted a daughter -- someone to play with, and dress up, and share so many of the things that I loved in my childhood. But I have recently been blessed to get to know some adorable little boys, so I'm starting to feel like I would be just as happy with a cute little boy, and I know G would love to do boy things with him. But it is hard to let go of an idea, and the honest truth is that my idea when I think about having a baby is still that it would be a girl.

Second of all, if it's a boy we will be faced with the dreadful truth that it will have a 50% chance of having hemophilia, which won't be confirmed for another 12 weeks or so when we'll do an amnio. And this is the part that I am so sad about, because I'm afraid that if we find out it's a boy tomorrow, we will be robbed of having total joy and excitement about it since there will be a nice black cloud of fear hanging over our heads for the next 12 weeks. I want to be 100% thrilled about my baby, and I just can't stand the idea that I may have feelings of sadness and fear mixed in. Not to mention the fact that I haven't even begin to think about how strange it will be to have a child with hemophilia when I had such a strange and rocky relationship with my father, who also had hemophilia (hence my being a carrier). And I know that the difficulty of our relationship wasn't related to his illness, but it's a little overwhelming to think that there would be something that reminded me SO much of my dad present in my own son.

So I have a lot going on in my little head today. I am trying to just remember to breathe and take it all as it comes. I absolutely will love my child -- boy or girl, hemophiliac or not...this much I know. I may just have to let go of the idea that I can't have other emotions too, like fear & sadness & confusion. Which I think is what my mom is always trying to tell me about being a parent -- it's certainly not an easy road emotionally.

On a lighter note, here are some belly pics from yesterday (18wks 4days)...a little blurry but they'll have to do.


Gemini Girl said...

Hi Ava,
No matter what the outcome- this is the baby that you have dreamt of for so long. Do not let that dark cloud hang over your head. No one can choose their children. If G-D forbid you have a son that is a hemophiliac - he is still your son, and you will take care of him and love him, no matter what. On the other hand, he may be fine! Or... you may have atiny little baby girl. The if's are killing you, but dont let that take they joy out of this pregnancy. Think positive thoughts. You are in my prayers!

M said...

First, I can completely relate to wanting a girl so badly. I've always wanted a little girl and I was really really afraid that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. I posted about this in April/May of 2006.
When we found out the sex of our baby, a girl, we also found out her kidneys were dilated-- which is called pylectasis. And it could have meant many things-- and was also a soft marker for down's syndrome. I was so excited that she was a girl-- and at the same time so scared about what was wrong with her.
In the end-- she is completely healthy. And I worried the entire rest of my pregnancy.
No advice-- just that I relate to what you're feeling.
Although I can't see your face you look like a cutie patootie!

Carol said...

yeah! look at you!! I love the belly pics - you look great.

good luck with you u/s today. I understand the mixed emotions about the gender - especially with your added concern about the hemophelia. but all you can do it take it one day at a time.

Furrow said...

Ah, you're just so cute.

I hope everything went well at the u/s today. Update us soon, okay?!