Two posts in less than a week -- guess I'm back in the blogosphere!
So tomorrow is the big day where we get to see if our baby has all the correct parts in the correct places...please please please let everything be ok. I know that statistically the chances are that everything will be just fine, but I am always a bit of a nervous wreck before my doctor's appointments since I'm always afraid that the baby has disappeared and this appointment is even bigger than usual. So try as I might to cover it up, I'm scared.
And then there is the crazy little fact that we will be finding out if it is a boy or a girl, which I have so many emotions about.
First of all, I have always wanted a daughter -- someone to play with, and dress up, and share so many of the things that I loved in my childhood. But I have recently been blessed to get to know some adorable little boys, so I'm starting to feel like I would be just as happy with a cute little boy, and I know G would love to do boy things with him. But it is hard to let go of an idea, and the honest truth is that my idea when I think about having a baby is still that it would be a girl.
Second of all, if it's a boy we will be faced with the dreadful truth that it will have a 50% chance of having hemophilia, which won't be confirmed for another 12 weeks or so when we'll do an amnio. And this is the part that I am so sad about, because I'm afraid that if we find out it's a boy tomorrow, we will be robbed of having total joy and excitement about it since there will be a nice black cloud of fear hanging over our heads for the next 12 weeks. I want to be 100% thrilled about my baby, and I just can't stand the idea that I may have feelings of sadness and fear mixed in. Not to mention the fact that I haven't even begin to think about how strange it will be to have a child with hemophilia when I had such a strange and rocky relationship with my father, who also had hemophilia (hence my being a carrier). And I know that the difficulty of our relationship wasn't related to his illness, but it's a little overwhelming to think that there would be something that reminded me SO much of my dad present in my own son.
So I have a lot going on in my little head today. I am trying to just remember to breathe and take it all as it comes. I absolutely will love my child -- boy or girl, hemophiliac or not...this much I know. I may just have to let go of the idea that I can't have other emotions too, like fear & sadness & confusion. Which I think is what my mom is always trying to tell me about being a parent -- it's certainly not an easy road emotionally.
On a lighter note, here are some belly pics from yesterday (18wks 4days)...a little blurry but they'll have to do.