20 weeks 5 days

I'm feeling happy today.

Yesterday was our three year wedding anniversary, which we celebrated by going for a hike along a beautiful lake and dinner out. We talked a lot about how much has happened since our wedding...including remembering our last anniversary, which we celebrated in Mexico. We didn't yet know that I wasn't ovulating and spent a good portion of the time doing the horizontal hokey pokey and thinking that maybe we'd come back from our trip to the sight of a positive HPT. Ha.

But back to feeling happy -- and grateful. I'm so grateful for my wonderful husband, and for our relationship that continues to grow. I'm grateful for my amazing friends, my yoga teachers, and let's not forget my kickass therapist. I'm grateful for my parents, who are absolutely thrilled about the baby. I'm grateful for my fertility docs and IUI coordinator and all the doctors and scientists who first figured out how to help infertile people achieve pregnancy. And I'm grateful beyond belief for the little kickboxer in my tummy...I still can't believe how lucky I am that the IUI worked and that we're where we are today. I can honestly say that it feels like a miracle.

Some 20 week belly pics:

Just kickin' it...

Baby Girl has been kicking up a storm lately. It's really the most amazing feeling ever, I don't think I'll ever get tired of it. Her little "hello!" thumps are without a doubt the highlight of my day.

Best of all, G felt her kick for the first time last night! He has been putting his hand on my belly trying to feel her for a few days, but every time he's done it before she is quiet as a mouse. Last night she obliged with a nice big thump for him, much to his surprise! It was so cool to see him have this new experience with her...I feel like we're turning into a family.

So my latest conundrum is whether or not to have my mom at the hospital with us during labor. G and I already decided that we want it to be just the two of us for the actual delivery, so we get to see her together first, before anyone else does. But I have had it in my mind that I need at least one other person with me for the labor, in case it's too much for G or just to be an extra voice of encouragement...and I had pretty much decided on my mom, but after she said something that really upset me last night I remembered that sometimes she can really bring me down, and I definitely don't want that happening while I'm in labor. It's so hard to plan for something that you've never done, never even come close to doing...how do I know what will be best for me?? Right now the only person I can think of that I absolutely unequivocally want in the room is G. I'm starting to think that maybe I don't need anyone else but him there...and how amazing would it be to have it be something that only we share.

I'd love to hear people's thoughts or experiences with this sort of thing -- WW the Blogosphere D?

Update on U/S, w/pics

It's a GIRL!

I am so relieved that we don't have to deal with the hemophilia thing hanging over us, I can't even believe it. I didn't even realize how much I was worried about that until the tech said the baby was a girl, and tears sprang to my eyes. G and I held hands for the whole rest of the ultrasound, and while I was looking at all her little bits and parts, I just kept thinking "I'm going to have a daughter."

It has made the whole thing so much more real to us both...I feel like I just can't wait to meet her.

And everything else looked great, we saw the heart and brain and bladder and all that. She was rolling around, stretched out her legs at one point, and it even looked like she was scratching the top of her head. She is so cute! (says the completely unbiased mommy)

So I know I will have a lot more thoughts to share about having a girl, but right now I am just excited. And of course being me, and maybe because I come from the world of IF, I'm still afraid that somehow the other shoe is going to drop and something will go wrong. But for now I'm trying to just be grateful and happy that we've made it this far, to this amazing milestone.

Pics from u/s:

Profile shot:


"I think I'll roll over this way":


Shot of her hand, right in the middle of the picture (thumb is on the right):


Lastly, you may have noticed that I've changed my name here to simply "A". The truth is that my real name, while it does start with A, isn't Ava and I am starting to feel funny about using that name. So from now on, I'll be going by A...

Some thoughts on the day before the BIG u/s **updated w/belly pics**

Two posts in less than a week -- guess I'm back in the blogosphere!

So tomorrow is the big day where we get to see if our baby has all the correct parts in the correct places...please please please let everything be ok. I know that statistically the chances are that everything will be just fine, but I am always a bit of a nervous wreck before my doctor's appointments since I'm always afraid that the baby has disappeared and this appointment is even bigger than usual. So try as I might to cover it up, I'm scared.

And then there is the crazy little fact that we will be finding out if it is a boy or a girl, which I have so many emotions about.

First of all, I have always wanted a daughter -- someone to play with, and dress up, and share so many of the things that I loved in my childhood. But I have recently been blessed to get to know some adorable little boys, so I'm starting to feel like I would be just as happy with a cute little boy, and I know G would love to do boy things with him. But it is hard to let go of an idea, and the honest truth is that my idea when I think about having a baby is still that it would be a girl.

Second of all, if it's a boy we will be faced with the dreadful truth that it will have a 50% chance of having hemophilia, which won't be confirmed for another 12 weeks or so when we'll do an amnio. And this is the part that I am so sad about, because I'm afraid that if we find out it's a boy tomorrow, we will be robbed of having total joy and excitement about it since there will be a nice black cloud of fear hanging over our heads for the next 12 weeks. I want to be 100% thrilled about my baby, and I just can't stand the idea that I may have feelings of sadness and fear mixed in. Not to mention the fact that I haven't even begin to think about how strange it will be to have a child with hemophilia when I had such a strange and rocky relationship with my father, who also had hemophilia (hence my being a carrier). And I know that the difficulty of our relationship wasn't related to his illness, but it's a little overwhelming to think that there would be something that reminded me SO much of my dad present in my own son.

So I have a lot going on in my little head today. I am trying to just remember to breathe and take it all as it comes. I absolutely will love my child -- boy or girl, hemophiliac or not...this much I know. I may just have to let go of the idea that I can't have other emotions too, like fear & sadness & confusion. Which I think is what my mom is always trying to tell me about being a parent -- it's certainly not an easy road emotionally.

On a lighter note, here are some belly pics from yesterday (18wks 4days)...a little blurry but they'll have to do.

Bloggy Bloggerson

I have been feeling bummed out that I seem to have such a hard time blogging recently...well, really ever since I got pregnant. The funny thing is that I thought I'd be super into blogging and keeping a pregnancy journal and taking belly pictures every week and for some reason I just haven't really been keeping up with any of it.

I keep thinking I should take pictures and I just don't feel like it, or I don't like my outfit, or I feel blah and fat right at that minute.

I keep thinking I should blog and then I feel like I don't have anything to say.

I keep thinking I should write in my pregnancy journal and then I forget about it.

Sigh.

I don't know why I keep feeling like I don't have anything to say about my pregnancy! I think some of it is that feeling that I might jinx it by talking about it too much...and some of it is that at this point I'm sort of starting to get used to the whole idea. My belly is growing. Sometimes I feel the baby. But I feel like I've already said all that!

I guess the thing that feels new right now is that I'm realizing that I actually love the baby already, which is such a strange and amazing feeling. How can you love someone you don't even know? Who isn't even a fully hatched person yet? Who you wouldn't even recognize if you fell over them? But I do, I love my baby already.

I talk to it pretty often, which I had no idea I would do. And I actually talk to it the way I talk to other babies, in that higher-pitched voice that people automatically use with babies. And sometimes I feel like "we" are doing things...like we went to a cafe with my friend this morning, and then we went to visit my 92 year old grandma, who gave my belly lots of nice rubs. It's sort of silly, but I am starting to feel like my baby is my little pal who does things with me.

So...this Wednesday is the big day when we get the anatomy u/s and find out the sex. Eeek! I'm really excited. I get to learn more about my little pal who I already love...amazing.