In the past few days I've become aware of how overwhelmed I really am about the idea of having a baby. I feel like my focus for so long was getting pregnant, and then all I could focus on was staying pregnant, and all of a sudden now I'm realizing that if things keep going well (and I'm so aware of what a big if that is, but I can't think about that too much or I couldn't get out of bed in the morning) I will in fact have a baby -- and more than that, I will have a daughter for the rest of my life. It's just really hitting me that there will be this whole new person in my life and a whole new intense relationship...and today that feels overwhelming and scary. I don't know if I'm ready for a whole new person in my life. How will I manage to still have enough love and room in my heart and mind for G and my parents and my friends when this new little person will take up so much room? Everyone says that you will be able to find the love and room in your heart, and I know I have to believe that...but today I feel like I don't know how I'm going to do it.
We just got back from visiting G's family across the country, which was intense as always...I love them dearly but being with them all always exhausts me too. And while we were there, two big things happened:
1) I had some spotting.
It was very minor, but it scared the crap out of me. I called my doc's office and they told me to go to L&D triage to get it checked out...so G and I jumped in the car and drove to the nearest major hospital, which was an hour away. And here I have to say how incredibly grateful I am that he didn't blink an eye when I said we'd have to go there instead of the local small-town hospital -- it just reminded me how much he loves me and the baby, and how he is going to be a great father.
So off we went to the hospital, and after holding it together in front of his family, I finally was able to cry my eyes out and really feel how afraid I was that something might finally be going wrong. And I say finally because as someone who's gone through IF, I don't know if I will ever fully lose that feeling that underneath it all I'm waiting for something to go wrong. I just let loose and cried and thought about how much I love my baby, and that she will always be my daughter no matter whether she makes it out of my body alive and healthy or not. And this was an amazing realization , because it made me see that I am a mom, right now. And that I can have a complete bond with my baby, right now. My mom lost her first daughter shortly after she was born, and only recently has she been able to really say that she has two children, and one is living. And on this car ride through the wilds of the western Pennsylvania night, I got a tiny bit closer to understanding how much she loved her first baby and how important that baby was to her. She's been telling me that I'm a mom since I first got pregnant, and I finally understand why she says that, and how true it is.
Everything is fine with me and my baby. My cervix must have gotten bumped somehow, most likely while I was playing around on a swing set with my niece. The doc checked everything and I was monitored for a few hours, and baby girl reassured us by bonking around in my belly the entire time we were there, which was so cool to hear on the monitor. And I've almost put the entire episode out of my mind...but writing about it now has made me even more grateful to still be pregnant today. And that is a good thing, because I don't ever want to forget how lucky I am.
2) I had a little surprise baby shower.
This was so much more fun and also overwhelming than I thought it would be. The strangest part was packing all the presents in my suitcase for the trip home...I just kept thinking "whose tiny clothes are these?" and finding it hard to believe that someone would be wearing them in just a few more months. And now the junk room/room where we keep G's stuff that I don't want out in the rest of the house/nursery is starting to fill up with...baby stuff. So it's yet another reminder that it's really happening...eek!
Lastly for anyone who's made it through this far, here are the latest belly pics taken at 24 weeks.
6 comments:
YAY for everything being okay. You look fabulous! When do we get a peek at your face??
www.destinedtobeamom.blogspot.com
I'm glad everything turned out okay...I know how scary it is to see some spotting. It's happened to me a few times. Love the belly pics...you look wonderful.
-Faith
You look great! And yes- you are already a mother.
I dont think its all really hit me yet either. Today as I sat down on my couch before work, I touched my belly and started talking to them. I dont know if they can hear me yet, but I know they are there and on some level they know that I love them.
I too am always waiting for the other shoe to drop- I believe all if women feel this way. Just because we are pg now dosnt mean that we will continue to be so. I dont think women who dont have any problems getting pg will truly know how we feel. I also dont believe that anyone can be a better mother than women who were if. No one wants it as much.
A few more weeks to go hun- you will be fine- and this beautiful baby girl will fill our heart with such joy, you will have so much room in there that you didnt know you had!
I started tearing up while reading this because I feel the same way. I already feel that I know this little girl of mine, and I'm already her mother. She has a personality and moods and food preferences (or so it seems). My mind often goes to that bad place where I imagine something awful happening. She often gives me a little kick at those times, maybe to tell me to pull it together, maybe just to reassure me. It won't be long before we meet our girls in person. I guess we have to believe that they'll be healthy and come on out in a few months. To dwell on the what-ifs deprives them of our love and joy. But I know that's easier said than done.
BTW, you're still looking totally cute.
what a cute belly!!!!
spotting is so scary, glad to hear it was nothing.
look at you! you look great!
sorry you had a little scare, but glad to hear that all is well.
It is all overwhelming, isn't it? I just keep thinking how I'm not sure I'm ready for older children - I wanted a baby, but these will be older than babies some day! scary!
that's so great about the supris shower!
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