(almost) 29 weeks (updated w/belly pics)

Yay! I went to my doctor's appointment today and I don't have GD and I'm not anemic. Phew! I was really worried about having to take the 3 hour glucose test, so I'm glad to have avoided it. My doc is also happy with my weight gain, which is so reassuring. Really, so far this pregnancy has been going so well that I can't help thinking that the bad news must be coming. But I continue to work on letting go of that idea, and just being happy with where we are today. Baby girl certainly seems pretty happy, she's been dancing around in there all day!

We got our crib put together last weekend, and went and picked up the changing table, so the baby's room is actually beginning to look a whole lot like a baby's room. It felt pretty overwhelming at first but now I just love going in there and thinking about how it's her room. Not the junk room in which we used to throw all the crap we couldn't figure out what to do with, but my daughter's room...! I will post pictures when I have it more set up, right now it's pretty much just empty furniture.

My baby shower is coming up in about a week & a half, and I'm pretty excited about that. I already know that someone bought us the bouncy chair and baby bathtub that I registered for, hooray! And best of all, we are getting a whole bunch of second-hand stuff from some friends with a 11 month old -- another bouncy chair, a baby bjorn, a moses basket, and a play saucer. I feel really lucky that I have so many friends who started down this road before us, although of course when I was going through IF and they were all getting pregnant I didn't feel so lucky. Right now it just feels good to have let go of the bitterness I felt towards my fertile friends and to have found some bit of peace with the fact that IF is a part of my story.

So, 29 weeks tomorrow. What a friggin' miracle. It's funny, when I think about sending out birth announcements, the first person I think of sending one to is my RE. Because really, all credit goes to him.

The latest belly pics:

27 weeks...3rd tri?!

I'm still a little confused as to when the 3rd trimester starts (27 or 28 weeks) so I decided to go with 27 weeks because I'm ready for it! Welll, I don't know if "ready" is really the word, because mostly I've been feeling overwhelmed at the idea that I will have a baby in just a few short months...but I definitely have been feeling different physically in the last few days and I'm chalking that up to leaving the easy streets of 2nd trimester and moving into the more challenging/uncomfortable 3rd trimester.

I think the best way I can describe it is that I feel pregnant again. 1st trimester was all about feeling pregnant -- exhausted, bloated, gassy, nauseous. Once I hit the 2nd trimester I felt like myself again: I had energy, I could go to bed past 10pm, I could exercise, I could eat whatever I wanted, the bloating went away (ok, the gas stayed, much to G's dismay)...sure I had random pulling and stretching as the ol' ute made way for my growing baby, but other than that it pretty much didn't feel like I was pregnant.

Now, I feel pregnant.

I'm tired again -- not that bone-tired 1st tri exhaustion, but just slowed down in sort of an old-person way. By the end of the day (i.e. around 7 or 8 pm) all I want to do is lie down and take some of the weight of my belly off. And speaking of my belly, my new pains are at the TOP of my belly, where my uterus is slowly but surely mashing the rest of my organs up towards my ribs. It does know that at some point it just has to go OUT and not UP, right? Because I like my stomach and lungs and ribs and heart very much, and I'd like to keep them in good working order.

My legs hurt, sometimes a whole lot, and especially at night. The pain starts in my hip (mostly my right but sometimes my left too) and travels down my leg to my foot. Sleeping soundly has become a thing of the past, what with the bathroom trips and stiff sore legs, I spend a lot of time waking up and shifting around and stretching my legs in vain attempts to stop the pain. I have found that the only real cure is walking, getting the blood flowing again. So today I have a nice walk scheduled with a friend, and hopefully she won't mind that I also walk at a snail's pace these days.

BUT despite my newly decrepit body, apparently my baby is still happy in there, wiggling and thumping around at intervals throughout the day (and night). I'm so grateful for this, I can't even believe it. Every time I start getting worried that maybe I haven't felt her enough, she gives me a few reassurance kicks, which feel to me like she's saying "don't worry Mom, I'm still ok in here!"

I've spent some time lately trying to visualize how exactly she's positioned in there and my latest theory is that she is head down with her face towards my back but swiveled a bit towards my left side (sort of a 3/4 view if you will), punching towards my nether regions with her hands, with legs folded up lotus style and kicking with her feet towards my side. And then sometimes she swivels around toward the right and kicks towards my right side. I'm going to ask the doc what she thinks re: the baby's position at my next appointment, so we'll see how good I am at deciphering baby positioning.

Oh! I almost forgot -- hiccups! I have felt what must be hiccups twice now, and it's a very odd feeling. Little rhythmic thumps that I feel somewhere between my hoo-ha and my bum, hence my thought that she is now head down. They feel like...hiccups. Like the inside of my body is hiccuping. Very strange.

Baby products, stuff, and paraphernalia:
We went and picked up the crib a few days ago, and G will put it together sometime soon, after we get through this retirement party we're throwing for my mom on Sunday. But it's in the nursery, mattress and all, which feels like a pretty big deal.

And in a very exciting development, a friend of mine with a 1-year old daughter has offered to loan me her mini co-sleeper! So that's one thing we don't have to buy, hooray. Another friend offered to loan me her sling to try out, so I can see if my baby likes it before spending money to get one. She speaks from experience since her son screamed his head off when she tried to put him in it. With all of the stuff I am planning to get (and I keep trying to stay away from buying unnecessary things) I'm pretty happy that I have friends like these!

And another milestone:
I have an appointment set up to interview a pediatrician in late August. The woman I talked to was very nice and explained all of their policies etc...it sounds like a great practice. There are a lot of doctors so we won't just see the one we pick for our main doc, but I'm looking forward to talking with her. Even though I have no idea what you're supposed to ask them, I've never interviewed a doctor in my life. But I certainly feel like a "responsible mommy" by setting up the appointment.

And did you know that babies have their own insurance cards? It's like someone out there actually thinks that my baby will be a real person, and not just some sort of pretend person/figment of my imagination/doll. And G and I will be responsible for this person. Shouldn't someone have checked our credentials before allowing this to happen?

There's a monkey in my tummy! (+ belly pics)

As of yesterday I feel like we're in a whole new ballgame...the baby's movements are HUGE (and seemingly constant) all of a sudden. I feel like I'm being rocked by an earthquake or something -- my whole belly moves and I feel very discombobulated. It's probably the trippiest thing I've ever experienced...forget drugs, try being pregnant!

It's really cool but also sort of makes me feel more aware of her as a totally separate person from me, like she's just doing her own thing in there while I'm doing my own thing out here in the world. And it really made me realize that while I am extremely aware of her presence, she has no idea that I even exist! I'm just her environment, her little cozy world. It's going to be so strange when I finally get to meet her, to see with my own eyes this little being that I feel like I already know...and to her I'll just be this giant creature, thankfully with some handy-dandy food dispensers built right in!

In other news...the nursery is all painted now and we have the dresser, rocking chair, and bookshelf set up along with the assorted books and stuffed animals that we have been given so far. Next up is the crib, then after my August shower I'll complete the rest of the room. I love how the paint turned out, the room feels so peaceful and airy.

Lastly, some new belly pics. I don't know what happened in the past week or so, but I seem to have had some sort of growth spurt since the last pics were taken! And my linea negra has officially sprouted. I'm only hoping that stretch marks aren't my next milestone. I still don't feel comfortable showing my face, but I'm thinking about it...maybe next time :)

25 weeks (w/belly pics)

Whew, 25 weeks! I really can't believe how fast this whole thing is going. It really feels like only yesterday that I was crying about my 2nd cycle at the RE resulting in eggs that never fully developed, and now here I am. What a miracle.

In the past few days I've become aware of how overwhelmed I really am about the idea of having a baby. I feel like my focus for so long was getting pregnant, and then all I could focus on was staying pregnant, and all of a sudden now I'm realizing that if things keep going well (and I'm so aware of what a big if that is, but I can't think about that too much or I couldn't get out of bed in the morning) I will in fact have a baby -- and more than that, I will have a daughter for the rest of my life. It's just really hitting me that there will be this whole new person in my life and a whole new intense relationship...and today that feels overwhelming and scary. I don't know if I'm ready for a whole new person in my life. How will I manage to still have enough love and room in my heart and mind for G and my parents and my friends when this new little person will take up so much room? Everyone says that you will be able to find the love and room in your heart, and I know I have to believe that...but today I feel like I don't know how I'm going to do it.

We just got back from visiting G's family across the country, which was intense as always...I love them dearly but being with them all always exhausts me too. And while we were there, two big things happened:

1) I had some spotting.
It was very minor, but it scared the crap out of me. I called my doc's office and they told me to go to L&D triage to get it checked out...so G and I jumped in the car and drove to the nearest major hospital, which was an hour away. And here I have to say how incredibly grateful I am that he didn't blink an eye when I said we'd have to go there instead of the local small-town hospital -- it just reminded me how much he loves me and the baby, and how he is going to be a great father.

So off we went to the hospital, and after holding it together in front of his family, I finally was able to cry my eyes out and really feel how afraid I was that something might finally be going wrong. And I say finally because as someone who's gone through IF, I don't know if I will ever fully lose that feeling that underneath it all I'm waiting for something to go wrong. I just let loose and cried and thought about how much I love my baby, and that she will always be my daughter no matter whether she makes it out of my body alive and healthy or not. And this was an amazing realization , because it made me see that I am a mom, right now. And that I can have a complete bond with my baby, right now. My mom lost her first daughter shortly after she was born, and only recently has she been able to really say that she has two children, and one is living. And on this car ride through the wilds of the western Pennsylvania night, I got a tiny bit closer to understanding how much she loved her first baby and how important that baby was to her. She's been telling me that I'm a mom since I first got pregnant, and I finally understand why she says that, and how true it is.

Everything is fine with me and my baby. My cervix must have gotten bumped somehow, most likely while I was playing around on a swing set with my niece. The doc checked everything and I was monitored for a few hours, and baby girl reassured us by bonking around in my belly the entire time we were there, which was so cool to hear on the monitor. And I've almost put the entire episode out of my mind...but writing about it now has made me even more grateful to still be pregnant today. And that is a good thing, because I don't ever want to forget how lucky I am.

2) I had a little surprise baby shower.
This was so much more fun and also overwhelming than I thought it would be. The strangest part was packing all the presents in my suitcase for the trip home...I just kept thinking "whose tiny clothes are these?" and finding it hard to believe that someone would be wearing them in just a few more months. And now the junk room/room where we keep G's stuff that I don't want out in the rest of the house/nursery is starting to fill up with...baby stuff. So it's yet another reminder that it's really happening...eek!

Lastly for anyone who's made it through this far, here are the latest belly pics taken at 24 weeks.

23 weeks 2 days

Wow, looking at my ticker today brought home a little reality...I'm steadily creeping up on the 100 days to go milestone, which is just so insane. I feel like this whole pregnancy thing is flying by. I know everyone says it slows down a lot a the end, and I'm sure they're all right, but for now I feel like I can't believe how fast it's going.

Yesterday I went and ordered our crib, which I'm really excited about. It's so pretty and the wood is so nice and smooth...perfect for when baby girl wants to explore the world with her mouth! I've been spending time with a friend's 6 month old lately and am catching on that he thinks mouth first is the best way to discover something new (or say hello to something familiar). So my girl should be very happy with her crib according to those criteria. The drop side is really easy to use and very quiet, and the drawer underneath slides out smoothly. Yay!

I also test drove the stroller I had been thinking of getting, and I really liked it. I felt like an idiot trying to fold it up, but after a bunch of practice runs I think I have it down...it's stuff like this that makes me worry that I have no idea how to do the mommy thing, but then I realize that I'm not worried about meeting her most important needs, like food and cuddles and lots of love. So what if I don't perfectly and smoothly fold the stroller the first time, she won't know the difference.

She's still moving a lot, now I feel lots of wiggles and swimming around in addition to the bigger kicks. And I've started to see my tummy move sometimes, which is so nuts.

My belly seems to be getting bigger by the minute and I go back and forth between loving how round it is and feeling like a huge cow. The huge cow feeling is so hard, I just don't feel that cute a lot of the time...everyone says I'm "all belly" but I can tell that my thighs are a little bigger and my arms are softer/rounder than they used to be. I keep telling myself that it will come off after she's born, but I'm already scared of how much work it might be to get the weight off and tone up everything. I hardly ever talk about this stuff because I feel like I should just be so happy all the time about being pregnant, but the truth of the matter is that some days I just feel fat and huge and even my happiness about the baby doesn't make it go away.

I guess what it comes down to though, is that I am learning how to sacrifice my wants and desires for my child...she has to come first, not my desire to be thin or to bend as far forward as I know I can in yoga class (I have to make room for my belly now and not squash her). So I guess I feel like this is probably a good introduction to at least part of what motherhood is about -- it's already not just about me anymore.

More belly pics to come, when I'm feeling a little more cute again. Hopefully we'll take some tomorrow.

20 weeks 5 days

I'm feeling happy today.

Yesterday was our three year wedding anniversary, which we celebrated by going for a hike along a beautiful lake and dinner out. We talked a lot about how much has happened since our wedding...including remembering our last anniversary, which we celebrated in Mexico. We didn't yet know that I wasn't ovulating and spent a good portion of the time doing the horizontal hokey pokey and thinking that maybe we'd come back from our trip to the sight of a positive HPT. Ha.

But back to feeling happy -- and grateful. I'm so grateful for my wonderful husband, and for our relationship that continues to grow. I'm grateful for my amazing friends, my yoga teachers, and let's not forget my kickass therapist. I'm grateful for my parents, who are absolutely thrilled about the baby. I'm grateful for my fertility docs and IUI coordinator and all the doctors and scientists who first figured out how to help infertile people achieve pregnancy. And I'm grateful beyond belief for the little kickboxer in my tummy...I still can't believe how lucky I am that the IUI worked and that we're where we are today. I can honestly say that it feels like a miracle.

Some 20 week belly pics:

Just kickin' it...

Baby Girl has been kicking up a storm lately. It's really the most amazing feeling ever, I don't think I'll ever get tired of it. Her little "hello!" thumps are without a doubt the highlight of my day.

Best of all, G felt her kick for the first time last night! He has been putting his hand on my belly trying to feel her for a few days, but every time he's done it before she is quiet as a mouse. Last night she obliged with a nice big thump for him, much to his surprise! It was so cool to see him have this new experience with her...I feel like we're turning into a family.

So my latest conundrum is whether or not to have my mom at the hospital with us during labor. G and I already decided that we want it to be just the two of us for the actual delivery, so we get to see her together first, before anyone else does. But I have had it in my mind that I need at least one other person with me for the labor, in case it's too much for G or just to be an extra voice of encouragement...and I had pretty much decided on my mom, but after she said something that really upset me last night I remembered that sometimes she can really bring me down, and I definitely don't want that happening while I'm in labor. It's so hard to plan for something that you've never done, never even come close to doing...how do I know what will be best for me?? Right now the only person I can think of that I absolutely unequivocally want in the room is G. I'm starting to think that maybe I don't need anyone else but him there...and how amazing would it be to have it be something that only we share.

I'd love to hear people's thoughts or experiences with this sort of thing -- WW the Blogosphere D?