13 wks...hello 2nd trimester!

Well, now I feel even worse that I stopped posting for so long after people left such nice comments about being worried about me! You made my day, and I promise I will keep posting.

Sooo, now for the latest:

The NT scan last Wednesday was great, the u/s tech said all the measurements looked really good. Of course we still need to get the combined results but I'm glad that at least so far things are looking good!

The Jumbo Shrimp (size of the baby courtesy of BabyCenter) was sleeping away with his/her hand to mouth, possibly even sucking his/her thumb...so cute. Then of course we needed it to move to get the final measurement, and the tech kept trying to wake it up by poking my stomach and it wouldn't wake up. For a split second I panicked thinking something was terribly wrong, then I remembered that we had just listened to the heartbeat, so it really was just sleeping. Then I had my first moment of "worried Mom", thinking "Great, my kid isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing, it's not paying attention to direction" -- then I snapped out of it and gave it a good poke and said "Wake up!" and it did. So then I got to feel like super Mom.

G's eyes were like saucers the entire time, this was the 1st time he saw it moving and I think it's really starting to hit him that this is really happening. He was amazed that it could be sleeping or awake, and when it started moving/swimming around he couldn't believe it. I think it's funny because even though it's amazing to me too, I already really think of it as a little separate creature in my tummy, so of course it could be awake or asleep! Since the u/s he has been sticking his face right up to my tummy every night and talking to the baby, which I love...he is starting to have his own relationship with the baby, and not just with a pregnant wife.

Next milestone will be the big anatomy u/s, which we are having a little early at 16 weeks, 3 weeks from today. I am really excited to find out the sex...I keep thinking it's a boy but for a split second at the NT scan I thought I might have seen some girly parts. So we'll see...

Pics from the NT scan at the end of this post.

Other musings:

I was in my prenatal yoga class the other day, which I really love. It's great to be with all the pregnant ladies at once, and see how everyone's bodies are different and beautiful in their own ways. The teacher is great and really helps us focus attention on our babies and on getting ready to give birth. BUT. She said something that really bothered me, and I am debating whether to talk to her about it.

She was talking about how amazing being pregnant is, and then started talking about how wonderful it is that we're all fertile, and how being a woman is amazing because we can do this, and when we're not pregnant and we bleed every month it's a celebration of fertility...and then mentioned the movie "Children of Men" and talked about how the people are infertile in it in a way that suggested this was a terrible horror. And I was sort of shocked that she didn't even think for a MINUTE that someone in the class might have struggled with infertility before getting pregnant, or that not everyone bleeds every month (as in, I haven't had a period on my own without drugs since I was 19 years old) or that the ability to give birth (or lack thereof) doesn't make you more or less of a woman.

So what do you guys think, should I mention this to her and ask that she be more sensitive to how she talks about this subject? I am so grateful that I am pregnant, but that doesn't mean I consider myself "fertile"...I don't know what to say I guess. Thoughts and ideas welcomed.

Close-up side view:


Side view (sleeeepy baby). The little triangle shaped blob near the face is the hand:


This is after it woke up and started rolling around. It's the back and the head is starting to turn a bit:

Bad, bad blogger.

Wow, it's been over a month since I've posted anything...I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've just not wanted to post anything at all. I don't know if I was worried I would jinx it (side note: I have never been so concerned about "jinx" until I got pregnant, it's like I'm living in the superstitious dark ages) or what. I think some of it is still what is basically survivor's guilt -- I feel so afraid that it's not ok to blog about my pregnancy when so many IF sisters are still struggling.

But I've been thinking about it lately and realized that it's also not fair to just abandon my blog, because I started it for a very good reason, which is that I was up to my eyeballs in frustration over my own infertility and lo and behold there was a whole community of people out there who could really understand what I was going through, and who could show me the way to survive it all. So who am I to abandon that community just because I got pregnant...that's what we're all trying to do, right? And when we do get pregnant after IF, it's a whole different ballgame than for women who have never struggled to get pregnant in the first place...so perhaps it really is important to blog about it, so that we all can continue to learn from each other about how to deal with the very strange hand of cards we've all been dealt.

So, I'm back. We'll have to see what happens, but I hope I can post more frequently again...I miss everyone, and I need to catch up on how y'all are doing.

My quick update is that I'm still pregnant, and often still scared that it won't stick...but today marks 12 weeks, so things are looking up. I've seen the baby twice now and got to hear it's heartbeat for the first time this week, which was crazy. It's just unbelieveable that there is this separate being living inside me. I don't know if I'll ever get used to it.

I've had some spotting incidents a couple of times, most recently a tiny bit yesterday. And my heart absolutely stops every time. But I keep breathing and keep trusting that I will be ok, no matter what. After the first spotting day at about 8 weeks I came to the realization that even if the worst were to happen, I would survive. It would be probably the hardest thing I would ever go through, but I would survive, because lots of people have. So whenever I get really scared, I remind myself that. And I also remind myself that this is just the beginning of parenthood and all of the fears we will have about the fact that we can't control what happens to our children, all we can do is love them and try to provide the best loving nest for them as possible. So, I'm doing that...

Next week we do the NT test, so I'll post some pictures then.

And pretty soon I may even post a belly pic because believe it or not, I'm already growing a belly. It still looks small in pictures but it feels huge to me!

It's good to be back, blogosphere...sorry for being absent for so long.

Relief!

The ultrasound went great today -- there's a cute little bean in there, heart beating away! Heartrate was 125 bpm which the doc said was good, and it's measuring 6w 5d, so right on track. I think my legs were trembling the whole time, and I couldn't stop smiling as we left.

It was so exciting and cool to see it...and I just can't even believe there is a real little creature living inside me, with her/his very own heartbeat and everything. I'm completely amazed that this is where humans come from.

It feels so good to have made it this far, and the whole thing is definitely starting to feel more real. Everyone says pregnancy goes by fast but right now I feel like it will be an eternity until I make it to the 2nd trimester...although my MIL reminded me that I'm already 1/2 way there!

My RE was really sweet, he told me that I had graduated from the clinic and could go to my OB, but that I should email him and tell him how things are going. I feel so lucky to have found such a great clinic with such kind people.

So while I still have the fear blanket close by in case I need it, today I don't have it wrapped around me...and hopefully I won't have to clutch onto it again any time soon. Thanks as always for everyone's words of comfort, you really helped me to start to let go of the fear enough to start to be excited and happy about what's happening, which is a real gift.

Awwww, I think I'm getting all hormonal and emotional...

Fear.

Much as I want to be excited and happy about this pregnancy, I'm afraid all the time that something is going to go wrong, and I'm going to lose the baby.

And I know that this is "normal" for almost all women in early pregnancy.

But there is nothing like getting pregnant after infertility...I just keep feeling like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like it just can't be possible that something could go right when I had gotten so used to things going wrong. But the reality of it is that it really didn't take that long...which just feels like one more reason it won't work out: because I haven't paid my dues long enough on the old infertility merry-go-round.

And I know that there's no such thing as the kind of cosmic accounting that I think must be taking place, that in reality, difficult (and good) things happen to good people for no rhyme or reason, all the time. Yet I can't seem to shake the feeling that someone or something is going to "notice" that I got pregnant too easily, and take it away.

I feel sad that I've been robbed of the innocence that so many people have when they get pregnant. I feel sad that I'm afraid that anytime I log on to a pregnancy discussion board or post about it here, it's going to somehow jinx it. I feel sad that I can't seem to be happy that right now, as far as I know, everything is just fine.

I posted about this on a pregnancy forum that I frequent, and got some amazing advice from someone who has been down the infertility road and is currently pregnant.

She said that witholding my excitement and joy of being pregnant would not make it hurt any less if I did end up miscarrying. So after that long period of disappointments, I should enjoy the pregnancy while I have it. And even though it's scary, you really have nothing to lose by letting go and being excited for what you have right now.

So I'm going to do my very best to try to let go of this fear blanket I seem to have wrapped myself in. I can't protect myself from being hurt if something happens, but I can trust that if it does, I will be able to get through it.

And maybe, just maybe, everything will turn out ok.

Feeling better, looking...huge

The good news is that I'm feeling much better now that I'm on both Colace and Gas-X, both ok'd by my doc. No more constant pain, and I'm sleeping better.

The bad news is that the bloat is INSANE and doesn't seem to be going anywhere. My tummy is enormous, puffed out as far as it can go, and there's no doubt about it -- I look like I'm pregnant. Even G admits it, and he is usually terrified to tell me anything other than "you look skinny!"

It just feels hard because I am so. not. ready. to share this pregnancy thing with the world, because it's so early and I'm so not out of the woods yet...and yet my body isn't cooperating. Yet another lesson in how little control I have over this whole process, from the infertility part to this.

On the other hand, people gave up their seats on the subway for me twice this week, and I really am tired -- and if I wasn't looking like I swallowed a watermelon whole I'm sure they wouldn't have done that.

Crazy, this whole thing is crazy.

Nothing like what I envisioned

I don't know where to go with these feelings and thoughts so I guess I just need to blog it out. First of all, let me just say that I am so happy and excited to be pregnant.

And now I have to say that it's been really miserable so far. I have been in so much pain from gas, constipation, and bloating that at times I can barely walk. I'm hardly sleeping. And I don't know what to eat because everything seems to make it worse. I'm not eating very much. And I'm so afraid that somehow I can't do this pregnancy thing. I'm so afraid that if I don't eat right something is going to go wrong, and yet I'm in so much pain when I eat that I dread eating.

The one piece of good news is that I've scoured the internet and found that there are other people out there who have had it this bad with the digestive problems, so at least I know that it's relatively "normal". And my doc doesn't seem too concerned, which I guess is a good thing.

After being up all night last night I decided to stay home from work today to try to get some rest. I'm trying to figure out what food seems to make the digestive problems worse and what might make them a little better. I'm hoping I can go back to work tomorow though because at only 4 1/2 weeks it feels a little early to be missing work.

I just never thought it would be like this. I wanted to be pregnant so badly and now I feel like my body can't do it right. I'm scared that all of this means that something is terribly wrong with the baby, or with me -- what if I just can't do pregnancy??

And I feel so terrible feeling this way, like I should just be so grateful that I got pregnant in the first place and that I have no right to be so upset about how hard it is. But I have to get this out somewhere, because it's making me crazy.

Beta #2

Just got the call and we're now at 262. So it's more than double! I am so relieved. The past few days have been so intense and anxiety-ridden...I am just hoping that I can find a way to relax more between now and my 6.5 week ultrasound which is scheduled for 2/21.

I just can't believe this is happening. About 100 times a day I'll be cruising along at work or whatever and suddenly just think, "I'm pregnant". And then I totally lose track of what everyone is talking about. Needless to say I've been very productive this week.

What else can I say? I've been obsessing about my symptoms seeming to come and go, but I've read and re-read 1,000 times that this is totally normal. I haven't thrown up yet, although I'm nauseous, especially in the morning. And wierdly, in the middle of the night. I've been a little dizzy. I've been a little crampy. Everything smells strong. I'm tired, although unfortunately I seem to be wide awake for a few hours every night. I'm constipated and gassy -- joy! But most of all, I'm alternately excited and terrified...and I'm trying -- trying -- to get used to the idea of all of this.